Once She's Gone
by Revan's Pet Duck
Summary: CHAPTER 2 UP! Sequel to Once He's Dead. A LSF Exile AU Post KotOR2 fic. With the Exile gone, the former crew of the Ebon Hawk has begun to reform the Jedi Order. But even after two years, her influence is the driving force behind her former shipmates.
1. Chapter One

_Disclaimer: Not mine… as usual. Big shock, right?_

_Note: For those of you who don't know or couldn't tell from the summary, this is a sequel to my previous work from fall/winter 2005/2006, Once He's Dead. And it is post KotOR2 and with a LSF Exile._

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**Once She's Gone**

**Chapter One**

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She had left. It had been two years now, but it had taken the better half of that first year to register with him. Keeping busy had always been his way to forget, but there seemed to be a peace after such a length of time that made him wonder.

He hadn't loved her.

It wasn't right to not love her, though, he chastised himself. She was everything in his life; what he had been, what he was, and what he would be. She was flawed perfection in the most beautiful and gory light. A walking contradiction of the best and worst combined. And yet, for all the darkness she could have fallen into, she hadn't.

And he loved that. He loved everything about her. But he hadn't loved her.

Bao-Dur felt at peace with himself for having not gotten involved at the time, for having waited, thought things out, and come to the conclusion that made him feel _right_. Mical took much longer than the rest of them to reach the conclusion that she was gone; he had only recently begun acting much like Bao-Dur supposed he had before meeting the Exile again.

They had all felt it; the sudden close of the bond they all shared with her, the Exile. It was painful at first, a constant throb in the back of their minds. But it had eased over the course of time, just like Mira's constant questioning of Bao-Dur and Mical, the two that had received the honor of speaking with the Exile before she left, that had lasted for almost the entirety of the first month.

Bao-Dur could tell that Mira was somewhat hurt by the Exile's negligence to her. Bao-Dur wished that he could reassure Mira that the only reason either he or Mical got any answers was due to their throwing themselves in her way to get some, but the huntress would never admit her jealousy and Bao-Dur would never insult her further by initiating the conversation. Visas never asked a question about the Exile's exit, though Bao-Dur was certain that she felt it just as strongly as the rest.

He had known her best and somehow this made it seem as if he had fallen in charge of the raggedy group, despite Mical's leadership when it came to council matters. There had been six, then five, and now four, but Bao-Dur knew that their numbers would no longer dwindle; they had, instead, grown. The Chancellor had made a promise and progress had been made.

Time had sorted out the problems. The Jedi Order had slowly been reborn, its feelers extending, trying to anticipate any threat before it was made. Though it was illegal to attack the Jedi Order without the Senate's approval, that didn't stop some beings who lived below the law. But now that most of the threats had dissipated and the Jedi had become more respected as the time went by, peace was made and things were much simpler. But the quiet of the time did very little for Bao-Dur; every hour or so of solitude had brought up the same debatable topic: his feelings for the Exile.

No being could help but admire a creature like the Exile, but Bao-Dur still was not sure if he was deciding he did not love her because it was true or because of her absence and love for the dead Atton Rand.

Emotion was never his forte. He felt too passionately at times and too indifferently when he realized that he had been feeling too passionately. It was a troublesome habit that came from a combination of Jedi training and previously having indulged his outbursts.

But now was not the time to focus on emotion. He had too much else to worry about rather than feelings that no longer mattered.

_Was this how she felt upon confronting her feelings for Atton?_

But Bao-Dur was on a much less self-destructive path. He only slipped into worrying about his attachment to the Exile when all other topics were exhausted, convincing him that he only worried about it out of boredom, something he instantly felt ashamed about.

At least, at best, it was one-sided. There was no lost potential for all possible intimacies that might have been felt. There could be no obsession for Bao-Dur if there could never be a conclusion.

But still… if only he thought as much like a droid as he was often likened to…

Footsteps interrupted Bao-Dur's thought process. He hadn't even realized that the door to his chambers had been open the entire time he had been thinking. How long had it been since he awoke, his mind far too busy and his schedule much too empty? Minutes? Hours?

"Bao-Dur, Mical has been asking for you." Mira. Her voice was still as strong as always, but, somehow, sounded older than the twenty-something she looked and was. Bao-Dur finally looked up and nodded his head. Mira gave him a small smile of reassurance, as Bao-Dur was sure he looked as tired as he was feeling, and then left the doorway.

Standing up and wiping his face with his organic arm, Bao-Dur considered why Mical might want to see him and only him. Or, perhaps, he did not want to see only him. Perhaps he had called for Mira and Visas as well. Maybe even the entire council. But that did not lessen Bao-Dur's musings on the reason. There was no meeting scheduled and he could think of no reason why Mical might want to see him.

Not that the two could not be considered friends, but only by a little. Bao-Dur had never really given Mical the time of day before, never really thought that they'd be in a situation like this. Perhaps it was that he looked down on Mical, thought him silly for considering himself the most worthy disciple of the Exile when Bao-Dur knew that he knew her much better than any of the others.

Perhaps he hadn't known her as well as he'd have liked to think. Perhaps he was only jealous.

_But you had no reason to be. As much as you cherished her attention, you didn't need it. It wasn't all you wanted._

Yet, in a way, it had been. Bao-Dur's day had not been complete during that journey two years ago without having a few moments alone with the Exile, being able to express his feelings or hearing hers.

_Now is not the time to think about this_, Bao-Dur reasoned with himself. _You have something to do, somewhere to be. Let these useless thoughts remain in bored hours_.

Bao-Dur closed his door behind him as he left his chambers and headed towards the room he always knew to find Mical in: The Room of a Thousand Fountains.

Bao-Dur had always thought the room was one for show when the Exile or Mical had mentioned it, but after meditating in it for the first time, he understood its existence. It _was_ strikingly peaceful. It _was_ near-perfect. And it was where Mical spent almost all of his time.

The boulders that lingered around the room, especially around a prominent waterfall, were smooth and perfect for sitting upon. Mical sat on a rather tall one on the far side of the waterfall. Bao-Dur let his organic hand run along the top of each boulder along his path, rising and falling with each curve, before he was at a boulder next to Mical, upon which Bao-Dur perched himself.

Mical's eyes were closed and he did not open them or speak for a few minutes. Bao-Dur let his mind empty as he stared at the water and heard the rushing as it broke over the edge of the fall and hit the pool below. Finally, Mical spoke. In fact, he might've been speaking previously for all the attention Bao-Dur had been giving a moment ago, but if he had been, the Zabrak could not tell.

"There was a spotting of the _Ebon Hawk_ in known space," Mical began, his voice steadier than his being, as Bao-Dur could feel it through the Force. Mical's whole energy was shaking with anticipation.

"Where?" A simple enough question.

"Csilla again," answered Mical, his voice unwavering. "The same as where it was last seen before it vanished two years ago. This was one week ago. It hasn't been seen since."

"If it was returning, it would have been seen closer by now," Bao-Dur noted, avoiding mentioning the Exile even in a pronoun form.

"It was seen again on Ilum," Mical continued, as if he hadn't even heard Bao-Dur speak. "The next day, by a Jedi Knight and his Padawan present. It seemed empty from what the Knight could see, but they avoided the ship, just in case it was a trap of some sort. By the next day, it was gone again. There were no more sightings after that, four days ago," Mical concluded, finally opening his eyes and turning his body so that he could face Bao-Dur fully.

"Why would she go to Ilum?" Bao-Dur mused quietly, not thinking much about his words, more about the question itself. "Why would she return to known space for a few days and then run back off again? Is there something on Ilum she would need aside from the obvious benefit of the crystals… but she had a crystal. She had several."

"I know," Mical half-whispered. Bao-Dur looked at Mical, whose gaze had fallen back down to the pool of water before him. He could tell that Mical had been thinking about this all morning, perhaps even the night or day before.

"When did you get this news?"

"Yesterday evening," said Mical, his voice more hollow now. His mind was not one hundred percent present anymore. "When the Knight and his Padawan returned. They were the first of our newly reformed Order to go to Ilum, don't you know?" Mical's voice returned and he looked back at Bao-Dur.

Bao-Dur merely nodded, not sure what more to say or what more could be said. Too many thoughts were running through his head, too many questions. This all made no sense. Could it indeed be a trap? But there had been two Jedi that had witnessed the presence of the _Ebon Hawk_. Could it have been given away to another person, as the _Ebon Hawk_ was a rather famous freighter, known for its connections to the Jedi Order? But then it was likely it would have been sighted again.

There was no logical conclusion Bao-Dur could reach. Somehow, sitting there and thinking alongside Mical, whom he knew was likely thinking through similar scenarios, was something that Bao-Dur could not stand to do.

Bao-Dur glanced over at Mical. He looked rather helpless, almost humourous in his look that reminded Bao-Dur of a wounded and relatively tame animal. But he only felt a surge of anger at watching Mical.

He recovered himself quickly, however, and chastised himself silently. Bao-Dur had to stand up and leave. As peaceful as the Room of a Thousand Fountains was, it could never be so when he shared the room with Mical. Bao-Dur inclined his head in a respectful nod to Mical and then quickly left the room.

What had that been? Why had Bao-Dur felt so hostile towards such a companion?

_Don't you think it was at all pathetic? She didn't love him; she didn't care for him more than she cared for any of us. His attitude is arrogant and disgusting._

Bao-Dur started hissing the Jedi Code under his breath. The words held little meaning to him when uttered as such after such a period of time, but the sensation of physically doing something steadied him.

How can I think this way? Mical had been fooled into thinking such things, though it was not to blame the Exile for. It was all a mistake…

_But shouldn't he have realized that? After all this time…_

But why should I feel angry? It is merely sad that he cannot let go.

_He doesn't deserve to hold on when someone like you fights so hard to keep your emotions in check. He doesn't deserve the luxury of feeling bad for himself if you don't._

Why should I have that luxury? It's not as if I loved her.

_Didn't you?_

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Omgwtfbbq? I actually am writing fan fiction again? Am I for real? Well… I hope so, because I'm really looking forward to writing this at long last. I mean, after planning on writing this for the past two years, it's nice to actually get something written.

I only realized after I started getting ideas how much I hated myself for writing such a conclusive epilogue last time. xD I started getting all sorts of wild ideas about assassination attempts on the Chancellor and the Jedi having to go into hiding because of the failure of that award service business… but that all didn't work out, so I had to pick a different plot to work with, which I am not going to reveal more than has been revealed in this chapter.

But, yes, shockingly enough, I sort of have a plot worked out from the beginning for this. As you can tell, Bao-Dur is probably going to be the center of this fic, which is a new thing for me; if I had written this two years ago, I would've focused on Mical or perhaps Mira. Bao-Dur would've been one of the last I'd have thought of. But after writing a slightly different first few paragraphs, I realized that this wasn't Mical's story, this was Bao-Dur's.

Anyways, I do hope that I try and get this story done properly. I plan on it being about as long as the last one, maybe a bit shorter, and no, I don't plan on tying up the loose end of the Exile and Revan. As you can tell from the Epilogue in _Once He's Dead_, their meeting takes place further in the future than this fic.

With a winter break just beginning, I might just get a chance to work on this, although I do have a nasty government term paper to cook up and another assignment from that evilest of my senior year course schedule.

I do warn you, I have fallen out of the KotOR fandom recently, especially with the arrival of Mass Effect and my growing love for it. So my accuracy might be a bit off, but I'll try.

As usual, reviews are LOVED, especially concrit, but even a one-word review is better than nothing. Attention will make me more likely to put an effort into working on this, though I intend to try hard to do this. If I don't update before the New Year, Happy New Years, and Happy Holidays to all those celebrating whatever they celebrate.

Love to you all – Revan's Pet Duck (possibly resurfacing!)

12-14-2007


	2. Chapter Two

_Disclaimer: Woe is me, these characters and this universe do not belong to me. For shame._

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**Chapter Two**

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Mical had immediately commissioned for a transport to be sent out to Ilum. He did not allow himself to think about the matter anymore than he had earlier. After telling Bao-Dur, Mical was not sure if he could tell anyone else. Did he have the strength to last through any more meetings? Especially with Mira, more hurt than would ever admit, or Visas, more stoic than Mical could ever make himself.

No, Mical had told Bao-Dur and expected the Iradonian to do the rest.

Bao-Dur was more than happy to oblige, although he did not know that Mical had been silently wishing him to do any more work. He hadn't thought of telling Mira or Visas, but the idea appeared to him later that afternoon when Mira appeared in his doorway.

Bao-Dur had been fixing a lightsaber, not his own, but one of the Padawans' practice 'sabers that a younger one had accidentally broken in an "unscheduled" fight. He felt someone watching him and looked up at her. Mira was leaning against the doorway, her hands clasped behind her back. She looked very odd in Jedi robes, Bao-Dur noted to himself, almost out of place, but not enough that it was wrong. Mira sauntered into the room, taking his visual notice of her as her cue to enter.

"What did Mical want earlier?" she asked him casually, trying to hide her interest, but Bao-Dur knew it was there. He had set down the lightsaber immediately and tried not to smile at her very transparent behavior. But the smile died quickly as he realized that he had to give her the answer.

Mira had taken the liberty of toying with different devices Bao-Dur had been building and fixing. They littered the workbench by the door, between the desk Bao-Dur was at now and the door Mira had entered from. She glanced up at Bao-Dur every few seconds, but he was trying to figure out how to say it when Mira wasn't holding something particularly fragile.

He sighed very quietly before finally speaking. "The _Ebon Hawk_ was sighted four days ago, on Ilum," Bao-Dur just out and said it. And as expected, Mira's grip slacked and she dropped a broken droid photoreceptor. She looked up at Bao-Dur with such obvious shock and emotion that it moved Bao-Dur and he immediately knew that he couldn't just sit down. It felt too casual for such a monumental occasion. The Exile had made an appearance after two years of silence. Their guiding light had appeared… and vanished.

"Is she still there?" Mira asked quietly. Her eyes were downcast on the workbench, hair in her eyes. Bao-Dur could read her neglected posture though. The Exile had changed her and then abandoned her. Mira's wound had been ripped open fresh again. Bao-Dur felt an overwhelming desire to put his hand on her shoulder, but resisted.

"No. It was gone the next day." Bao-Dur idly noticed his hollow his voice sounded, how like Mical's had been a few hours earlier in first relating the news to him. And he noticed how slumped his posture had grown, how his chest was starting to wrench.

Had he loved her after all?

_Not romantically, this isn't an automatic indication of that. Mira is looking as forlorn as you feel at the moment and she was not romantically attached to her._

Bao-Dur couldn't fight with this logical argument and wanted to ignore it anyways. He hated thinking about these emotions. He had been tinkering with his equipment all day, trying to keep his mind off of them. He had tried to forget what Bao-Dur had told him. And then Mira had shown up, and there was no forgetting them now.

Mira didn't say anything more, but she didn't need to. The old Mira Bao-Dur had first met would have been ready with something to say, would've spoken some plan of action, but there was a deep silence that lingered in the room with the two dejected souls, a silence that connected the two through the Force that comprised both of their beings.

Bao-Dur had been gripping his chair back very tightly and finally let go when he felt the material begin to crackle under his cybernetic arm. He let go and took a step closer to Mira.

"I'm sorry I didn't tell you immediately," he found himself saying. "But you have reminded me that it is important that we all know. I ought to find Visas and tell her as well." Bao-Dur held his organic arm out to Mira and touched her shoulder, feeling the thick material of the Jedi robe beneath his arm. Mira was shaking ever so slightly, but he could feel it as he gave her shoulder a light squeeze before exiting the room. Mira could recover herself more quickly by herself, and Bao-Dur could do the same.

_You need to go to Ilum immediately._

Mical will have thought of that already.

The thought provided no comfort to Bao-Dur, however, and he merely felt slightly angered by the thought. He shook his head as he wandered through the corridors leading to Visas' chambers. He had to stop thinking of Mical as an enemy. There was no logical reason as to why he would consider him as such anyways.

_Because you wanted that attention she gave him. You craved for it like nothing else. But he demanded more whilst you waited in the garage, tinkering away, hoping she would come to you…_

She did come to me. She did speak with me. She remade me into whom I should be, whom I wanted to be.

_But it was never enough. You wanted more._

It _was_ enough. She was always enough. She respected me, she cared for me…

_But she never loved you._

I never loved her!

And with that defiant thought, Bao-Dur arrived in front of Visas' chambers. He knocked on the door, but no one was present in the room. Bao-Dur felt it through the Force almost immediately and when he realized that his thoughts had really been thought and that he was at a location for no purpose, both mentally and physically, he punched the door.

It had been with his organic arm and the force of the punch hurt his knuckles. Durasteel was not a forgiving material for impact, but no real damage had been done to his hand. Bao-Dur leaned against the door, trying to think where Visas was instead at the moment, but his thoughts were straying onto the Exile. With the announcement of the _Ebon Hawk_'s sighting, he could not stop wondering.

He felt his back slide down and his knees buckle under the weight. He sat on the ground and buried his face in his hands, not to cry, but to close his eyes, to clear his mind, to meditate, even if it was in the middle of some corridor in which anybody could just happen to walk. He needed this.

And so he mentally gathered up all of his thoughts about the Exile and compartmentalized them into a little box he pushed into the back of his mind, blending in with the white blankness he was creating for his mind to rest in.

Bao-Dur had no clue how much time had passed when he heard footsteps and the white of his mind was shattered as he blinked several times before properly opening his eyes. There Visas walked, wearing robes still so similar to the maroon ones she had been donning ever since Bao-Dur had known her. If she was surprised at Bao-Dur's being there, she showed no physical or mental notice. Bao-Dur, on the other hand, was slightly jolted by the shake, and stood up hastily.

"Hello, Bao-Dur, may I be of some service to you?" Visas asked in her usual calm and smooth voice. This was something Bao-Dur always liked about Visas and was nearly envious of; her constant stability. Whether she was unable to or simply a master of her emotions, she did well to control them, something Bao-Dur could never and would never comprehend.

"Thank you, Visas, but I merely have news to relate to you," Bao-Dur replied kindly. He felt much calmer now, though whether it was because of his meditation or because of Visas' collected behavior (as opposed to Mira's emotional behavior), was unknown to him.

Visas nodded her understanding and moved to open the door. She let Bao-Dur enter first and he walked to the center of the comfortable living space before Visas herself entered. She moved to close the door, but Bao-Dur stopped her.

"I do not think I will be here very long," he said simply. Visas nodded and left the door half open before walking over to a small stove in the corner. She put a pot of hot water on, Bao-Dur presumed to make tea, before taking a seat at a small two-person table. Most council living spaces were not extravagant, but they were certainly cozy and well-equipped. Bao-Dur was more practical, so he did not admire the beauty of Visas' chambers so much, but he did notice the comforting feeling the area gave off.

"You had news?" Visas spoke again after a minute or so. Bao-Dur hadn't realized that time was passing so quickly. He gathered himself and moved towards a chair opposite hers.

"Yes, Mical related it to me earlier today," he began. "This morning, to be precise. As he has heard it, the _Ebon Hawk_ was sighted recently. First, on Csilla, one week ago, and then on Ilum, four days ago. It vanished the next day and has not been seen since."

Visas fell into silence, but unlike the silence that had been present with Mira, Visas seemed to be contemplating all the options, much like Bao-Dur had been thinking when Mical related the news. But Bao-Dur could feel a slight quiver of shock float through the Force, emanating from Visas.

"Yes," Visas finally muttered aloud. "I had felt that something had changed recently in my meditation." Bao-Dur looked up at Visas curiously. It was not only that he usually had limited conversations with Visas, but that she had sensed it when all others had not. Her race might have had something to do with the strength of her affinity, but it was obvious she held a much more intimate connection with the Force.

"I could not pinpoint any specifics at the time, but I felt a warmth I hadn't felt since the Exile left return to my soul briefly. But it fluttered away and I felt empty again. I hadn't missed it before it appeared, but once it was gone… there was a slight ache in me and I could no longer focus on my meditation," Visas explained. Bao-Dur felt her words and found them slightly moving, the tender way in which she said them. A smile had crept onto his face and Bao-Dur felt slightly elated for some reason.

_There is hope. That is why._

There was always hope. I trust her.

_But now you know. Your trust was waning just as she was slipping from your thoughts. But now, she is reassuring you that you have reason to trust her and to remember her. She will return._

Bao-Dur finally excused himself from Visas' chambers as the boiling teapot interrupted his thoughts. Visas must have been musing too, for she seemed slightly jolted out of thought when the noise rang the room and Bao-Dur left, closing the door behind him, but feeling gladder with each step towards his own chambers.

His emotions for her had been set aside for now. He would worry about them later. For now, he would focus his self on getting to Ilum. A determination he unknowingly shared with the other three, all feeling the loss return to them… but, for Bao-Dur at least, the hope she brought as well.

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Thank you to FeeldaForce, RunningStorm, and Uilleand. I dedicate this chapter to you guys for your encouraging reviews! It really is the reviews that remind me of my need to dedicate myself properly to these fics. Of course, I'm really enjoying writing this one so far, so, luckily, since I am not getting many reviews, my love for this stuff is making up for it.

Sorry it took a bit longer than expected to update, but here it is. I hope that everyone had a fabulous New Year. I know that I'm relieved as my evil government paper is done with and I only have four more of the classes to deal with until the semester ends. And I'm also enthusiastic to share my news of two college acceptances with you all, so I'm pretty good going.

It's weird that all this time has gone by since I first started doing fan fiction. I've been doing it my whole high school career. And that's almost over. Damn.

Well, anyhow, please continue to show your support through reviews. I love hearing feedback, positive, neutral, negative (as long as they are not flames), whatever, so indulge me!

Hope you've enjoyed the fic thus far. I'll hopefully update soon, but as usual, no guarantees!

01-13-2008


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